April 8, 2009 letter

Hello, sweet baby,

It has been a while since I was able to write to you, but things have been incredibly busy, getting ready for you. It is almost Easter, now. Tomorrow, we have two inspections, health and fire, to make sure our home is safe for you. Last night we had a short class, then all of the wonderful people in our group decided to go out to dinner and share some relaxed time together. Dad and I had so much fun.

I ran into a high school friend while we were there, and it turns out he only lives a few blocks from us, works with my dad, and knows another couple that is in our class. It was very strange, but wonderful seeing him again. Sometimes I wonder what happened to all the people who were such good friends of mine in high school. It feels like it was forever ago when we all gathered together after graduation, some of us crying, some laughing and some in seeming shock. Knowing that it was an end and a beginning. We had to leave behind the comfort and security of our parent’s homes and make our own way in the world. But we all knew, deep down that our parents would welcome us back with open arms, any time we needed it.

You coming into our lives is another scary end and beginning. I say scary, but in truth it is exciting, terrifying, exhilarating, and heart stopping all at the same time. I worry that we won’t be good enough for you, and that you won’t want us. We want you so badly that it hurts.

There have already been questions. What if you aren’t like us? What will we do? I’m stronger than the people with these doubts and the ugliness they try to bring into our lives. Your dad and I don’t care if you are green, or purple, or magenta or blue, okay, I do care if you are blue, because that means you aren’t breathing and blue is never a good color for a person to be.

My heart is wide open and ready for you, love. I can’t wait to meet you. Miss Amy and Miss Hattie are two of the greatest blessings that have come into our lives lately. I know that whatever questions I have, or concerns, or fears, they can help. They are truly amazing women and I am proud to know them. I hope that someday I can introduce you to them. I’m sure they’d love to meet you.

Come home to me soon, sweetheart. I need you in my life. I love you.

Xoxo
mommy