Thursday, February 26, 2009

February 26, 2009 Letter

To my forever child,

I thought about you a lot last night. I was tired and cranky. I didn’t feel good, and my critique hadn’t gone well. The last part was my own fault. I didn’t stay true to myself and my story. I changed everything so that it wouldn’t offend anyone. It made me miserable, but I thought it would make everyone else happy. It didn’t. I hated it, they hated it, and in the end I was ready to give up. I was so sad, love. I needed a hug.

I don’t like that I am such a people pleaser. There are many times a day when I have to sit down and remind myself that if I’m not happy, then I can’t make anyone else happy.

Sweet baby, always remember that. If I can’t teach you anything else, remember that you can’t make someone happy if you aren’t happy yourself.

I’m not telling you to disregard other people’s feelings or needs, but don’t put everyone ahead of yourself all the time. Life is too short for that.

So, I came home with a really bad headache, a bad attitude and tears trying to fill my eyes. I really needed a hug, but the attitude got in the way, and I was a little mean to your dad. I didn’t mean to be, but everything had piled up and nothing was going right. I feel horrible about that. So, today’s letter is just as much for him as it is for you.

I didn’t say anything bad or do anything bad, I just wasn’t nice. I’m sorry I did that. I’ll try very hard never to do it again. I want you both to know how very much I love you. I need you in my life so much. Without the both of you I’d be a lost, lonely soul.

I know this is a short letter, love, but today is a very busy day. I’ll write again soon, though.

Always remember that you are deep in my heart, where all my love grows.

All my love forever and ever,
Xoxo Mom

Monday, February 23, 2009

February 23, 2009 Letter

To My Forever Child;

Classes start tonight and I’m nervous. I want to be the best mom I can be, but then I have moments where I worry that I won’t be good enough for you. I hope I can make all your dreams come true and give you the best home possible, like my parents did for me.

There has never been a time when I couldn’t talk to my parents – let them know how I felt. There were a lot of times when I refused to talk to them (I had a tiny little attitude when I was a teenager… imagine that.)

My mom and dad worked very hard to raise me right, and looking back, they did an amazing job. They never really had to punish me, okay they did sometimes, but not a whole lot. I wanted to make them proud more than anything in the world, and the worst punishment was when I knew I had disappointed them.

When I got in trouble growing up, mom used to put me in purgatory. I was grounded in the traditional sense – no friends over, no phone, no tv, no fun – plus, as an added bonus, I had a list of chores that I had to complete before being released from purgatory.

It wasn’t the normal chores like doing the dishes, or taking out the trash, no, my mom was much sneakier than that. I’d have to scrub the grout in the bathrooms with a toothbrush, polish the silver, dust all of the stuff on the shelves, take down all the globes off the lights and clean them, polish the glasses. Really horrible boring stuff. Now that I’m grown and have a house of my own to deal with, I realize she was getting a two for one deal. Not only did I get punished, but she got all of the housework done that there is never enough time to do.

I would whine, and gripe the whole time, but I knew I wouldn’t be out of trouble until I did the stinking chores, and my mom had a lot more patience than I did back then. I’d try to wait her out. I’d refuse to do the chores, stay in my room and pout, until it came time for me to want to go out with my friends to the movies or to a game. Then I would beg her to let me go “just one time.” She never fell for it. I’d do the chores, praying in my haste that I didn’t break anything, and make it out of purgatory just in time to go see a movie or a game.

I hope that I’m as smart as my mom. I hope when you grow up that you think I’m a smart lady, too.

I already love you,

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

February 18, 2009 Letter

To my forever child;

Someday, I hope you get to read this, and know how much we love you, and how much we wanted you in our lives.

We don’t know who you are yet, what you’ll look like, or if you will love us as much as we love you.

I remember growing up, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer every time was a mommy. I dreamed of having someone to love and hold and teach and to cherish. I’ve wanted that ever since I could remember.

Three years ago, the doctor told me I couldn’t have children. Something inside me doesn’t work right. Dad and I were both upset and it took a while for us to accept that things happen. It took me longer than it took him, but I came around. I realized that you were out there somewhere, waiting for us, needing us, wanting to love us and wanting us to love you.

We were patient, waiting until we had bought our house and got settled in so that we could give you the very best home we could. We talked endlessly about the things we were excited about, scared about and ready for. We couldn’t wait for you to join our lives.

I searched for every resource I could find that told me how to adopt, how to prepare to adopt and what to expect. There was a lot of really good information, but I still didn’t know what to do.

One thing that stuck with me through all the hours of reading and studying was that we needed to do an adoption journal. We needed to record all of our feelings and the things we are going through to have the chance to have you in our lives.

I decided the best way for me to do that was to write you letters. I love to write and to read, and I hope that is something we can share soon. I want to read you bed time stories and I want to teach you to write your letters, your name, and stories and letters of your own someday.

Today hasn’t been the best day I’ve had, but thinking about you helped me feel better. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and tell you how much you mean to me. I want to write a story about you. Tell the world how marvelous you are. Someday soon. I have to keep reminding myself that someday soon you will be with us.

I’m scared that something will go wrong, and we won’t be able to take you home with us. Dad is scared he won’t be a good dad. I know he is just being silly, and he knows I am being silly too. We already love you and need you. We have a room for you in our house. We don’t know how to decorate it though. We have bunk beds, so that you can have friends over to stay, because we both know you will have many, many friends. What if you need a crib when you come to us? We’ll work it out.

What toys do you like, sweetheart? What is your favorite food? I want to be extra sure I’m good at cooking this. What is your favorite color? What is your favorite story?

Please come home to us soon, love. We need you in our hearts.

Always remember how much I love you,
Xoxo Mommy