January 18, 2010 letter

My sweet boy,

You’ve been with us for almost six months now, and adoption day looms close. I swear you steal another piece of my heart every day.

From the second I first saw your beautiful face, my heart has been yours. The first two hours you were with us, you slept, and we watched you and cried and held each other. I couldn’t stop myself from touching you to see if you really were there. I held your little hand and wept tears of joy.

Since that day, there have been too many tears to count. I’ve held you close, and cherished every single second we have been together. You are the fulfillment of our dreams.

I’ve watched you sleep and play. I’ve kissed boo boos and doctored scrapes. I was there for your first haircut, and yes I cried when they cut off all your beautiful hair, and I was there to pick you up from your first day of daycare.

You break my heart with your tears, but mend it with “loll you’s” and grunt hugs and sugary wet kisses. And, even when I don’t think I’ll hang onto my sanity if I hear, “Mommy, I want,” one more time, my soul rejoices to be called mommy.

I always knew I would be ferocious protecting you and I’ve proven it more than once. You fill my days with laughter and my nights with contentment.

Not everything is perfect – not by any stretch of the imagination. We all get frustrated, and scared and sometimes even angry, but we are learning. Daddy and I learn something new everyday.

You are incredibly smart, and good grief, you remember EVERYTHING. I’ve learned that anytime a two year old says uh-oh and flushes the toilet, it’s already too late. I’ve learned that the “pee pee in the potty” song sticks in your head for hours and people look at you funny when you are dancing around at work with no music on. I’ve learned that our elderly cat doesn’t like Cheerios, and that my super-hyper black lab relaxes around you, and he loves you and will let you do anything you want to him, even when I know it has to hurt to have your tail pulled. I’ve learned that a jar of Vaseline and 30 seconds unsupervised is a huge mess, but a really good time for a little boy. I’ve learned that you have to disassemble a VCR to get out change, a hot wheels car and the Lion King DVD we looked for all week long.

I’ve learned that story time is one of my very favorite times. You sit in my lap and let me hold you until we make it through a whole book, and even if we have to read the book nine more times before you don’t want to sit still any more, it just gets better each time. I’ve learned that I can’t wait to get off work and go pick you up from school, just to see your face light up and hear you say mommy. I’ve learned that you are precious when you just wake up and come looking for me. You rub your sleepy eyes and always say, “I sleep good, mommy.”

I’ve learned that a toddler on a tricycle is dangerous to walls, shins and anything not quick enough to get out of the way. I’ve learned that when you are in a hurry, there is nothing slower than a two year old, and when you turn your back for a second they move like lightning. I’ve learned the true meaning of fear, watching you run, trying to catch daddy before he left and heading right for the street, knowing I couldn’t make it to you in time. I’ve learned the meaning of sorrow, every time I’m told another biological family member has called asking about you. I’ve learned that even at your most frustrating you are a blessing.

Daddy learned quicker than me to always watch what he says, even if you are in a different room, because even though I have to call your name fifty times to get you to come to the dinner table, one bad word whispered in the kitchen catches your attention and you will repeat it at the most awkward time.

These last few months have been such a learning experience for us. We have grown up and our love has deepened exponentially. All because of you.

I love you forever and ever.

Xoxo
Mommy